Knowing the Narcissist

So there’s this great blog out there called “Knowing the Narcissist”.  

It’s brilliant, really.  It’s like Sam Vaknin on reality television crack, a much more novel and entertaining approach to exploring the inner workings of the narcissist.  He is doing the same thing that ol’ Sam did- selling out his narc brethren for profit.  Total kudos to him (he goes by the name H. G. Tudor, by the way, you can find his books on Amazon).  He has to be making a killing- or at least he will be- me thinks.

Read what he has to say about the motivation of the narcissist, about the inner “life”, about the “feelings”.  You will find it quite enthralling- at first.  Some might find it quite painful- but understanding (and knowing the enemy) is something that has to be done if you are to “see”.  And you must “see” to survive.  Keeping that mask in place takes a Herculean effort, and if a narcissist is dealing with someone pretty keen, it won’t take them long (with the help of Google or Amazon) to figure the game out once the mask slips a time or two.

Here’s the point.  Tudor is doing us all a service, but once you’ve had your fill, it’s easy to tire of his fanfare (just like with your real-life narc).

It’s easy to grow weary of the nauseating arrogance (just like with your real-life narc).  

I know it’s partly his shtick, and it really serves it’s purpose- to fatten his little wallet (and if you gain some perspective and shower him with some attention, everybody wins).  But once you are enlightened, you pretty much get your fill and have to move on into a world that doesn’t revolve around a narcissist.  Pretty much just like “they” do- take what you can get and hit the road.  In the end, it’s a win-win, as long as you walk away.

Seriously, H.G., if you are out there- keep doing what you are doing.

There will always be fresh meat, always be new people who need you.  There will always be an audience, you will never work yourself out of a job.  You give us much needed food for thought so we can then turn to gnawing ourselves free from these ties that bind us.

 

What is it With Narcs and Worship?

A lot of narcissists have this deal with worship.  They want you to bow.

They want you crushed and under-foot.  They want unquestioning and unflinching obedience, adoration and service- and for what?  While they are out practicing their scumbaggery, you are supposed to be the ever devoted and doting spouse- believing in (and worshiping) the image they set forth for public consumption.

At first, you might buy into it all- due to the novelty and preciousness of it.  It’s kind of fun “playing house”.  I think the narc likes to make it cute because it’s the way they get their foot in the door.

It’s the first phase of training you to be exactly what they want.

Oh, and they will make you “exactly what they want”.  They will turn you into their Bride of Frankenstein- emotionally manipulating you into giving them whatever they want from the bedroom to the baseboards, breaking you in over time to do exactly be a voiceless, ever present slave.

And if you dare to disobey, then:  The Wrath.  You will learn your place.

You will try to honor the master, but you will never quite meet the mark.  And you never will.  You can stitch yourself a new face, beat your body into submission, grovel, beg, plead…and it will all only be to the delight of your captor.  He has you preoccupied with attending to his whims so you never have a moment to think for yourself.  It’s pretty brilliant, and oddly- this all just seems to be a part of their instinctual Modus Operandi.

The narcissist wants your worship.  They wants to usurp every other “super power” in your life, including yourself.  They are like the Devil himself, proclaiming his/her glory over every living creature or entity in existence.  Are they really worth all that?  Or are they just humans who shit and fart and smell- just like everybody else.  Worthy of worship on ANY level?

I will let you be the judge of that.

Psychopath Abuse Prevention is a Joke.

Ok, not entirely.  But how many of us knew what we were diving into was questionable?  I did.  This was unfamiliar territory.  This was an ADVENTURE.  It really was.  One that was a bitch to get free from, and honestly, I’m glad I went on that ride.  Because now I know.

I have gained so much from this dreaded experience.  I have gained such strength.  I am fierce and fearless and happy as hell.  Imagine that.

But here’s the thing- prevention is a joke, because most of us are going to step on that ride.  Most of us have some curiosity about the unknown.  So while I think prevention won’t work, I fully believe in awareness and recovery.  Speedy recovery.  Those two go hand in hand.  Unfortunately, awareness often comes after the fact, but with the internet, it can come pretty quickly.

My advice to anyone is to learn about what you are dealing with, recognize the hopelessness of the situation and get help immediately with recovery from this type of relationship.  Do the research, make it up your own recovery plan- just get busy getting better.  Hammer out the cognitive dissonance and beat wellness into your brain.  Get free.  That’s the only way you get to keep your health and your sanity.

This is your journey.  You have the power.  No go out there an kick some ass and come back to help others do the same.

❤

 

On Not Being Grotesque

I believe in beauty and grace and all sorts of lovely things.  I want a lovely life.  Something in me knew that if I had ended up with my narc, every shred of beauty would have been stripped from me.  Mocked.  Raped.

I imagined the light leaving my eyes.  
I imagined becoming a drone.
I imagined trying to fight to keep little bits of myself while he systematically dismantled everything about me to create some bionic Stepford person to serve his almighty ego.

There’s more that I don’t even want to think about.  I’m not some little flower, I’m pretty practical and I’m not really that into like- flowery crap, but I know that living with a narc will steal every breath of beauty that exists in a person until they are an angry, rumpled bitter shell- just like their narc.  That’s how narcs stay comfortable. They make everyone like they are.  And they  feel pretty damn good about it.  Then they get to pretend that they are better and more beautiful once they take us down.  It’s ugly.

And real life is ugly, a lot of the time.  That’s why so many of us try to pretty it up.  We need to make this world a livable place for ourselves and those we love.  I never used to subscribe to that whole concept, but now I do.  I am in the process of surrounding myself with things and people that resonate with me.  Things that bring me joy- things with a “higher energy”- now that I understand the importance of cultivating loveliness in my life.

When I think about it, I just couldn’t watch myself die like that.

The idea of it is painful in itself.  And many have- not really knowing what was happening.  Resurrection is a mighty feat, my loves, and while it’s extremely hard to rise from the ashes, it’s not impossible.

So in the end, after a mini trip to Narcville, I choose me.  I choose me the same way I did when I first met him- when I listened to the voice in my heart that said “danger”.  I choose peace.  I choose beauty.  I choose love.  I choose life.

And I hope that you can muster up every ounce of your strength to do the same.

 

 

Sympathy for the Devil

You can’t pity an NPS (Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath) too much, but I will say one thing: It is a life to be pitied when all you have is one conquest after another.  When you mow through people and things with the destructive force of a tsunami.  What is left after that?  Carnage.  Pure and simple.

Oh, things may look ok on the outside.  You can always pay people to put up with you, for a little while.  But in the end, everyone leaves.  Because you never considered them worthy of staying.  You will never consider your employees worthy of even your pennies.  They will never be good enough. No one ever was…

Getting Free from the Narcissist

Narcissists have a way of getting into your head. Once you’ve been successfully brainwashed, it’s really hard to get your old brain back.  You feel like you are drowning in despair, and your brain feels as though it’s been scrambled.  You walk around in a sorrow stupor that has permeated your total existence…

But there is a part of you, deep inside, that is looking out for you.  You have to nurture it, to grow it, so it can take baby steps towards freedom.  One way I did this myself is using what I call “Incremental Boundaries“.

Here’s the deal.  I think we all know, if that slimy sleazeball could screw you over once- it’s a clear indicator of who they are.  Maya Angelou said “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”.  Some of us need more than one run through in the learning process with our NPS (Narcissist/Psychopath/Sociopath).  I know I did.  It took me a while to dig myself out of the story I was in.  I think we all know the truth pretty early on, it’s just hard to fathom that creatures like this exist and literally feed off the souls of those who love them.

So, “Incremental Boundaries“…  We’ve all heard of “no contact”.  Sometimes that’s hard to pull off.  It’s a shock to the system.  Great if you can do it, but if you can’t, here’s the method I used.  All the things he took away from our “friendship”, I then raised my own permanent boundary against.

• He stopped talking to me on the weekends/evenings.  I raised my permanent boundary: “Never speak to him again on the evenings/weekends”.
• He stopped contacting me on a regular basis, I stopped being available to him.
• He stopped texting, I stopped texting (forever).

All the while, when he was revoking my privilege of being in his life, I was also permanently revoking his privilege of  being in mine.  And I was adjusting to them, setting them in stone, so that if he ever tried to bounce back in- my boundaries (actually- a step by step mirror of his abandonment) were impenetrable.

Everyone’s situation is different than mine, so your incremental boundaries will look different.  For instance, if your NPS doesn’t call or text for a month- you should feel free to never respond to their texts ever again- because they’ve set the precedence of “no contact”.  It shouldn’t be a problem for you to inflict the Reverse Golden Rule here (treat others how you want to be treated VS treat others the way they treat you).  It’s not normal to Reverse the Golden Rule, I know- but when dealing with an NPS, it’s the only way to go…but it might not be easy.  That’s why you go “Incremental”.  And if you are queasy at the thought of this reversal- remember, you are at war here.  It’s your soul and wellness that’s at stake.

So make a trip to the mental hardware store and get busy. 🙂

 

 

 

 

CouRAGE.

It takes a lot to unwind yourself from the narc spool.  They get their claws in pretty deep.  It helps to utilize every tool you have in your armory.  One of these is “courage”.

I think courage is kind of a weenie word.  It just doesn’t deliver.  I think “valor” is a way more powerful word, but upon further examination, the word “rage” pops out at me and I gain a little more respect.  Rage is powerful and necessary in the pursuit of healing.

Rage and all those other uncomfortable feelings are very useful.  Certainly not how you want to spend your life, but they are helpful in getting you over the hump of love you seem to have bottomed out on.  Once I understood the game, I intentioned my rage and hate at the perpetrator simply in order to get untangled.  And honestly, what these people do (either intentionally or unintentionally) is pretty pitiful and despicable.  They use our love against us.  Or as John Coffey said in the move “The Green Mile”: “They kill them with they love”.  What kind of dastardly force uses love to destroy?  I’m sure you already know.

We are the fortunate ones.  We can use our emotions to free us.  They are slaves to their emotions and to their whims.  We can let our rage dissipate and mellow, once it’s done it’s work.  Theirs is a constant, eternal companion, biting at their heels until they die.  We are the lucky ones.  We can be free.

Be mindful.  Use the tools at your disposal to gain your emotional freedom, but don’t let them start to use you.  Don’t let them take you over.  Don’t take on your monster’s traits.  If that happens, they win.

And we ain’t gonna let that happen.

Flickr Photo:  Jeffrey