Don’t Feed the Narcissistic Bears

I have a dream.  Like Ol’ Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream.

Having had an encounter with a “difficult person”, at the time, all I could think was “wow”…  Wow.  People really treat other people like this?  People they supposedly care for?  Wow.  Blew my mind.  And while I was in the trenches, I was also a very mindful observer of the erratic behavior of this person.  It was enlightening, to say the least.

So the dream… it’s kind of been forced on me.  It’s not like a dream to be a millionaire or anything that spectacular (though perhaps I will dream that dream as well).  It goes  a little more like this:  I dream of a day when we can spot predators up front and flee.  This sounds pretty easy, but I can assure you it isn’t always.

You can be fairly certain that a bear will eat you if you happen to stumble across one- if it’s good and hungry.  But let’s say you meet a kind and gentle bear that says sweet things and cooks you dinner.  Confused?  I’d say so.  Surely you’ve stumbled across a “one of a kind” kinda bear, right?  And even though you KNOW it’s  a bear, you override your judgement, place that napkin on your lap and you nosh, because hey, you’re hungry too (practically starved).

Most people will flee when they see a potential threat, but there  are those of us who don’t.  We suppress the sense of danger because perhaps we have an even greater sense of curiosity or an awkwardly stupid sense of adventure.  We dive into the dark waters, not knowing  what lies therein.

Yes, there are those of us who won’t heed the warnings- those who have to learn the hard way, no matter what.  But there will be others who can listen to the parable or the bedtime story and spare themselves the heartache (even though I think the odds are in favor of most of us having to make our own mistakes).

If you tell an average person they will lose their health, their wealth, their independence and their will to live if they say “yes” to a relationship when their soul is screaming “no”- they might stop to ponder.  It’s like knowing that if you shoplift, you might spend some time in jail.  No matter how badly you might want something, it’s enough to curb your desire for that object (well, for most of us).

I think if the red flags become well known as a symptom of a toxic disorder,  as well as the destructive consequences of a red flag ignored- some of us might take a few moments to question our diving off the deep end into a magnetic, mysterious (and often dangerous) abyss.

Think of it this way- if you have a friend and they are having flu symptoms (aching, vomiting, fever etc…) you know you may catch this dreaded woe and you will stay away.  Likewise, once the red flag behaviors become common knowledge, a lot of us are going to honor our gut instincts if they are reinforced by solid information.

It has been said that this is a movement- that the awareness of narcissism, sociopathy or psychopathy- is becoming more widely spotted and more well understood, and I would have to agree.   People are coming out of the woodwork to share their experiences and their insights, and as much as we all hate to label people, using the labels might just save some lives the same way a skull and crossbones might warn us that something is poison.  The label is just a handy way of conveying toxicity.

Are we going to overcome?  Is my dream going to come true?  Maybe not- because like I said- most of us have to dip our toes in to see how hot the water is- and at first it can seem pretty tolerable.  But here’s what CAN (and I think WILL) happen.  I think we will be able to dig people out a lot quicker knowing what we all know now.  And we can move forward, heal and hope for a better future for all of us.

I am so down with that.

 

Let Me Repeat

Do you find yourself obsessing over your experience with an NPS (Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath)?  Do you feel like this is unhealthy?  Do you feel like you just can’t know enough about how this whole mess works?  How you got so sucked in?

I think it CAN be unhealthy if you are thinking about it all the wrong way.  Here’s the “wrong” way to think:

• What did I do wrong?
• How could I have done better?
• Why doesn’t he/she love me?
• How can I fix this?
• How can I get him/her back?

If you’ve read anything about NPS people, you should have probably read that they don’t change.  Think of it this way- let’s say you are heterosexual.  Can you switch over?  Can you just make that change?  I couldn’t.  Matter of fact, I can’t really be anything other than what I am (but hopefully I am constantly evolving into a better me).  Here’s another example:  Can you become like them?  Can you learn to act out the cycles they do?  Idealize, Devalue, Discard?  Can you learn to enjoy it?  I’m sure on some level some of us can do this because NPS traits can rub of onto others, but I think at some point the real us is going to resurface, choking and sputtering either saddened or shocked that we’ve betrayed our own selves.  The other question is this:  Would you WANT to be like them?

They don’t want to be like US either.

And when the mask slips, that is the REAL them that they’ve tried to conceal.  I don’t think they ever feel as though they’ve betrayed themselves, either.  Rather, I think that they are disappointed that they couldn’t keep up appearances or they get so bored they are glad the game is over so they can move on to play pretend with someone else.

The real betrayal for them is the fact that they have to put the mask on in the first place.  But understand:  They have to.  What IS must be concealed to function “normally” in  society.

It’s been said that we learn best by repetition.  I think that it’s possible that the fact that we can seem a little “obsessed” with the topic of our betrayal actually ensures that we never make the same mistakes again.  That we learn to see even the smallest of red flags and learn to inventory the situation with new eyes.  It also helps us to raise the awareness of others (if they are able to hear us).

It helps (immensely) to have access to and to know our adversaries playbook.  After a while, you start to see that they almost follow a predictable pattern.  Often, you can guess their next move/strategy.  This makes them seem a little more machine-like than human and it’s good to know that perhaps they are a little bit like machines.  Destructive little bulldozers, and you can (and must) earn to step out of their path.

 

Operation Subjugation

Here’s the definition of subjugation:  

“the act, fact, or process of subjugating, or bringing under control; enslavement”

This word just popped into my head this morning and I realized:  “That’s it!”  That’s the entire goal of the NPS (Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath).  And for what purpose?  To feed their fat little egos?  Entertainment?  To fill the unfillable void?

The aim of the NPS is to subjugate every person who might have more personal power than they do.  That’s why they try to chose good people.  Sometimes they choose weak people to add to their conquests (hey, they are into numbers) but often, they really like to take the strong ones down.

Think of it as a sport.  

What hunter does not want the prized animal’s head on his/her wall.  The thing is- when you pit two beings against each other, and they both play by different rules and with different weapons (elks can’t shoot a rifle) the more cunning of the two will win.  The one with the better weapons will win.  For the most part, that elk really didn’t even know he was at war.  He was just out getting breakfast.  And so it was with us, wasn’t it.

But now we know.  

The problem with subjugation is when you don’t know that’s what’s happening to you.  When you think it’s love.  Sometimes it takes years before you see the truth.  There will be this unrest in your soul for a long time because you can’t put your finger on it, and it’s like you are in waiting for your soul or your brain or ANYTHING to put the pieces all together for you so you can get this figured out.

And when you finally do: enter Cognitive Dissonance.  This is where you are living in two realities and you can’t quite grasp which one is correct.  That’s a whole ‘nother battle.  Welcome to the War.

But now you know you are fighting.  That’s a good thing.

So the NPS’s goal is subjugation.  Of you.  Of me.  Of anything he/she desires.  They want to win.  And when we either don’t fall under their spell, or we come out from under it, we become the enemy.  Oh, they can keep the multitudes en-rapt perhaps, but the very fact that they don’t- in fact- have the power to keep us all corralled like good little animals just shows they lack the omnipotence they thought they had.  And it pisses them off.

So shake off the ropes.  Be prepared to stand your ground.  Be prepared to stand alone.  Be prepared to become the sovereign human being (not needing validation from another) and badass that you were meant to be.

I’m right there with you.

Sympathy for the Devil

You can’t pity an NPS (Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath) too much, but I will say one thing: It is a life to be pitied when all you have is one conquest after another.  When you mow through people and things with the destructive force of a tsunami.  What is left after that?  Carnage.  Pure and simple.

Oh, things may look ok on the outside.  You can always pay people to put up with you, for a little while.  But in the end, everyone leaves.  Because you never considered them worthy of staying.  You will never consider your employees worthy of even your pennies.  They will never be good enough. No one ever was…