I believe in beauty and grace and all sorts of lovely things. I want a lovely life. Something in me knew that if I had ended up with my narc, every shred of beauty would have been stripped from me. Mocked. Raped.
I imagined the light leaving my eyes.
I imagined becoming a drone.
I imagined trying to fight to keep little bits of myself while he systematically dismantled everything about me to create some bionic Stepford person to serve his almighty ego.
There’s more that I don’t even want to think about. I’m not some little flower, I’m pretty practical and I’m not really that into like- flowery crap, but I know that living with a narc will steal every breath of beauty that exists in a person until they are an angry, rumpled bitter shell- just like their narc. That’s how narcs stay comfortable. They make everyone like they are. And they feel pretty damn good about it. Then they get to pretend that they are better and more beautiful once they take us down. It’s ugly.
And real life is ugly, a lot of the time. That’s why so many of us try to pretty it up. We need to make this world a livable place for ourselves and those we love. I never used to subscribe to that whole concept, but now I do. I am in the process of surrounding myself with things and people that resonate with me. Things that bring me joy- things with a “higher energy”- now that I understand the importance of cultivating loveliness in my life.
When I think about it, I just couldn’t watch myself die like that.
The idea of it is painful in itself. And many have- not really knowing what was happening. Resurrection is a mighty feat, my loves, and while it’s extremely hard to rise from the ashes, it’s not impossible.
So in the end, after a mini trip to Narcville, I choose me. I choose me the same way I did when I first met him- when I listened to the voice in my heart that said “danger”. I choose peace. I choose beauty. I choose love. I choose life.
And I hope that you can muster up every ounce of your strength to do the same.
Flowers from a Psychopath 